The History of Sex: Prague -- A Little Night's Whoremongering -- (Chapter X, Part 21)

Aptly enough, my guide goes by the nom de screw of 'John.'

With the face of a pug and the body of a bulldog, he could be any nationality.

Come to think of it, he's got the blend-in-ability of a good spook—he even picked me up in the cobbled Old Town, lurking under a streetlamp like a character out of a spy novel.

OK, well, not this character
George Lazenby hamming it up as James Bond

The moment he opens his mouth, though, he's all matter-of-fact American, rattling off our schedule as if it were a ten-point marketing plan rather than the itinerary for a little night's whoremongering. 

John charges just over €100 (around $130) for his VIP Brothel Tour, including entrance fees, cheap drinks and his questionable translation skills.

'If you want to be with a woman, I can talk to her and tell her how beautiful she is and get her warmed up.'

The tour runs for six hours and takes in at least four brothels ('depending on your stamina'). 

'YOU CAN EXPECT SOME LIES... THIS IS NOT TRUE'

Ironically, despite Prague's status as Europe's Sex Central, there's no centralized sex district in the Czech capital.

Wenceslaus Square and its sidestreets host some of the glitzier establishments—one 'cabaret' has a mannequin in a Santa cap perched over the door—but Prague's carnal side is far less visible than that of its Western counterparts. Four decades of Communism effectively snuffed out the red-light district.

For foreigners who don't speak Czech, this can make it hard to sniff out sexual bargains.

Throw in the perils of clip joints and taxi scams, and, well, it's a Slavic jungle out there.

In fact, the abuses are so bad one club has taken to stating on its flyers, in perfect doublespeak:

'WE DON'T PAY COMMISSION FOR TAXI DRIVERS, SO YOU CAN EXPECT SOME LIES OR BAD COMMENTARY ABOUT OUR PLACE. BE SURE, THIS IS NOT TRUE.'